Re: One ADD son, 12, and one AS son, 9, marriage in trouble

[ Parent to Parent Forum ]

Posted by judy lavin on December 10, 2003 at 15:25:42:

In Reply to: Re: One ADD son, 12, and one AS son, 9, marriage in trouble posted by Mary Jane on December 10, 2003 at 03:07:49:

Sounds like you're in crisis mode. Icky. Been there many times, myself.
Have you thought about another therapist if yours is unable to help you? Maybe it's not the right fit. If someone can't understand your circumstances, something is off and I'd try to find someone else. (I know you're exhausted and overwhelmed, but still it might be worth investigating.)

What about meds for your husband? Will he do that?
A lot of hubbies (even wives have trouble) can't support their wives emotionally through this kind of stress. Their brains aren't made that way--so, I'd try to lower my expectations of him, even though you want things to be even between both of you--forget it. Find someone else to talk with about all of this.

I also would try to find someone else to watch your kids. What good does it do to have your exhausted husband watch your children who are difficult to control? Seems to me that will only lead to more trouble. First of all, your husband has plainly told you he cannot manage the kids and you've said the same thing. So, when you ask him to watch them, he gets mad at YOU and the kids. THAT makes things worse. If he loses it with the kids, which he probably does, THEN, it starts a downward spiral in your home. The kids take out the anger on each other--fighting, etc.--and become more impossible. Then, your husband is angry at YOU for making him do something he can't do after he's worked a million hours (I know you work a million hours too, but you have a different temperment) and you both start disagreeing, arguing, whatever. It breaks down your relationship further, which then makes the kids upset which then makes the kids angry at each other and they fight more which then upsets both of you AND your get the picture.

SO, I really suggest you try to find someone else to sit. (Forget your family. They can't deal with emotions and out of the box situations like yours. Unfortunately, lots of families are like that. Figure that they are there for other things that they can do for you that are good but not this. Let go of the fact that they sit for other grandchildren and not yours. Yes it hurts, but let go. For whatever their reasons, they are limited. They may help later on when the kids are more in control. They may help you in other ways. Just wait and see, but DON'T expect and DON'T ask because you'll get further disappointed when they say no. So, save yourself that extra hurt.)

Look for other sitting options. What about hiring a teacher or a nurse or a nurse's aid? Or ask one of your children's therapists for a recommendation--someone trained to deal with these issues who can give you a little support. You could also call the National Chapter of Attention Deficit Disorder--they will probably have suggestions. (number is in the back of my book.)They deal with this all the time. OR, maybe your sons can go to friend's houses--one at one house, the other at another house, for a night. That might help.

I still think your place of worship is worth a try too. They have people who might be able to help you.

AND, make sure your meds are still working--check again with the therapist that your medication is still effective. These medicines can change in effectiveness over time. AND, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!!!!!!!!! Make sure to do something like that for yourself and your health because if you get sick, it's a REAL mess.

HANG IN, let me know what's going on.
And, to answer your question: It wasn't in "What to Expect When You're Expecting"....that's one of the main reasons I wrote my book. I needed those chapters, too!