Posted by judy lavin on December 09, 2003 at 19:37:39:
In Reply to: One ADD son, 12, and one AS son, 9, marriage in trouble posted by Mary Jane on December 09, 2003 at 03:03:47:
Hi Mary Ann,
You sound overwhelmed and for good reason. But, that doesn't mean that all's lost. First of all, do you have a physician? An internist? A gynecologist? For right now, it might be helpful for you to take some sort of anti-depressent that will help your outlook, so you can think better. You don't have to stay on the meds forever, it's just to get you over your current hump and help ease some stress.
Second, do you have any family members who can help you? Or do you have a good friend who can help? If not, how about a kind-hearted teacher at the school your son attends who would be willing to sit for you so that you and your hubby can go to a movie or to dinner with friends? I've always found that helpful in getting a better perspective.
I know this may sound out-of-the-box, but this has helped me when I'm in rough straights...meditating, concentrating on my breathing for about 3 minutes in the morning and at night, before bed. Depending on my sitaution, I also do it during the day if I need to.
Who are the therapists who are helping your family? Can you talk to them about all of these issues? Maybe they have some advice--even the pediatrician could be helpful.
Also, do you believe in medicine for your son who as ADD? Occassional medication has been extremely helpful for several kids I know who have ADD. It calms them down and helps them focus. They don't have to stay on the meds forever...I think they can take it when needed. It just settles the kids down as well as everyone else in the house.
As far as the child with AS, which I think is Asbergers--am I right?--what about going on the Autism sites and seeing what new research there is on AS. There's a lot of new stuff out there. I know you're exhausted, but I have found that kids with Autism Spectrum syndromes are responding to wheat and gluten-free diets. My Own Meals, for example, is a wheat/gluten-free meal in a box that can be warmed in the microwave and is delicious. My kids used to eat it ALL THE TIME. You can buy it through the MY OWN MEALS website. Just type in My Own Meals in the search-area. That's one option. I know a lot of grocery stores have gluten free wheat free food too.
You sound like you need more support in all sorts of ways. And, I fully understand that because I've been there.
As far as your marriage, get my book Special Kids Need Special Parents and you and your husband read the chapters on marriage and family. Many excellent psychiatrists, social workers, etc. give their insights into what happens in a special marriage. It will give you both insight as well as techniques to cope with your kinds of stress which might help save your relationship.
You'll read it in no time and you'll have resources at the back to contact. The book is available on line, off line, everywhere across the US and in other countries. It will be very helpful to you.
Aside from that, ask one of the therapists you deal with what can be done to help you with your marriage. Maybe you can go to your pastor at Church or a Rabbi at your synagogue and he or she can give you counsel. Clergy people are supposed to be trained to counsel and help families. (They may also be able to help you with respite or even financially.)
These are some of my ideas.
Even though it's REALLY tough now, it will morph into another and most likely, more tolerable phase. That's how these things work.
So, hang in. It gets better, really, it does.
Keep me posted.